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Sunday October 9, 2022
What I learned this week | Responsibility
I hope you enjoy my hodge-podge of seemingly disparate information sources and topics. My life’s journey and career are more about piecing the puzzle than picking one thing. I like to dabble, noodle, and connect dots.
I fought this for a while and often thought I was crazy — “just choose something!” they said. But then I questioned who “they” were and stopped caring. “I perform for an audience of one.” - Kaney West.
If you’re someone like me who likes a lot of different things, I’d encourage you to explore all of them. Why not? What else are you going to do, anyway?
Here’s what I read and learned this week.
🔖 My feed this week
Polysecure is a book on attachment theory for non-monogamy
Tweets like this aren’t useful for responsible entrepreneurs IMO
🎼 What I learned this week
No right relationship structure. Most theories and therapy for couple-making rely on understanding attachment style — avoidant, anxious, or secure behavior based on stuff that happened when we were little. Until recently, the research has been largely footed on traditional monogamy. It makes sense, considering how most people couple up. The pitfall, however, is that it can dismiss people who are secure and simply have different values, and such is the book's topic linked above. For example, people who value freedom and open boundaries can be misdiagnosed as avoidant. The data says that people who choose a different lifestyle (single, polyamory, consensual non-monogamy (cnm), etc.) have the same or better rates of secure attachment and happiness as married folks. Said simpler; ain't no relationship structure going to bring us joy - not marriage, not polyamory, not nothing. The real game is in having truthful relationships. Pick whichever value-aligned structure works best for you.
If my thing fails, it's my fault. And thankfully so. There's more power in taking responsibility for what we create versus blaming. Much current VC Twitter oratory hits on whether investors help or not. I don't find the conversation useful. While investors can be helpful, their job is to allocate capital. Founders and founding teams build companies. I once secretly blamed the NYC startup ecosystem when I couldn't raise money for Huddle. Not outwardly, but internally, I was talking shit. Quite the useless internal dialogue this turned out to be. The blame game was just a way to skate on responsibility. In reality, Huddle wasn't viable enough yet to prove investable. Responsibility resides in seeing our own blame game. So Tweets about how unhelpful VCs are? A useless talk track for responsible entrepreneurs. Stop blaming and build.
🧰 Try this on
To be responsible, we gotta have difficult conversations from time to time: with coworkers, cofounders, family members, friends, partners, and more.
This past week I learned a 4-step process for challenging conversations. I put my spin on it out of respect for the coach's work who gave it to me and because I like making things my own. The next time you're faced with communication you don't want to have, but need to, try this on -
Say the distinct, clear reason you want to talk. Be hyper-specific.
Start with "I feel," not I think.
State what you need to move forward and be truthful AF.
Be the person who suggests a solution first. Don't wait for them.
I want to talk to you because you've been late to meetings over the past few months and canceled three of our meetings last minute.
I feel like you don't take me seriously when you're late or cancel on me. I'm worried you don't care or might not want to be here. It also feels like I'm not leading effectively when this happens.
What I need from you is honesty - why have you been late and canceling? You're a senior member of the team, and others look up to you. I want to make sure you're good.
Let's have an honest conversation. Free before 5 pm? We can hear each other out and move past this quickly together.
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